My friend once did a rather fine turd (even colour, good shape) the only distiguishing feature was that he had shat out a wasp, it was well imbedded in the cack, it was not a case of the wasp being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he had definately cacked it out. He was more than a little freaked out.
A different friend had to face his next door neighbours after a party at his dads house:
Neighbour: can you clear some shit off our lawn left by your mates.
Friend: How do you know its not your dogs
Neighbour: Dogs dont wipe their arse with tescos till receipts...
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